Wow. Where to start. What a journey… its been hell it’s been agony it’s been beautiful, happy, sad and a whole other range of emotions that you will know well if u have been through it. I have come to realise though that even though we give our condition a name “addiction” it is not an uncommon thing. Just cos we dealt with our problems through self medication with substances legal or illegal I have come across most people I meet that have some kind of “condition” that they use to try cope with this thing called life. As my husband always says ” we are all very different yet we are all the same”. And it’s true. We all suffer with insecurity, rejection, abuse, self worth issue, inadequacy issues, control issues…. The list is endless and how we deal with our issues vary from person to person. And then we look down on each other and judge each other cos we all think that we are not as bad as the next person. And there in lies the problem. You see we were created as individuals. We were created to be ourselves but the world and other people try and make us fit into their box and try as we may we cannot do it cos it’s not who we are. We were not created to be like anyone else except ourself and often when u are just yourself people cannot handle that. I have learnt on my journey that if I want to be happy I first need to be happy with me…. and I cannot be happy with me if I’m told I am not allowed to be me. If I don’t like myself I cannot like others if I cannot accept who I am for what I am I cannot accept others for who they are. We cannot give what we don’t have. And love and acceptance of self is a prerequisite of love and acceptance of others. U see like it or not we were created by a Unique God Who created us to be unique individuals. Herein lies the human problem though. God created us in such a way that we have a space… A void if u may deep within us that only He can fill to make us complete. Without Him that void stays void and we search for ways to fill it… sex drugs food relationships work…. whatever… and then we cannot understand why we not happy why we don’t like ourselves why we don’t like other people why we don’t like life itself. Now I’m not talking what the churches preach but cannot even practise it themselves. I’m talking a real practical tangible relationship with a real practical loving God. u can stay as u are for the rest of your life but God will still love u as u are… deeply passionately. It was only wen I got to the end of myself when I had had enough of living this horrible life that I felt was forced on me without my permission. I was tired of the church telling me how to live my life when it was quite evident that it was not only impossible for me to do but it was just as impossible for them to do. The difference between me and them was they would pretend they were all that but I just couldn’t do pretence…. fake it till u make it was a popular saying… well why the hell should I have to fake something in order to make it… that makes no bloody sense. I wanted real. So I was real with God. I fought with Him I swore at Him I complained I told Him exactly how I felt and how no matter how hard I tried I could not be what the church expected me to be. One day I was having a quiet moment and I read something that changed it for me. God told me to stop trying cos if trying worked it would have worked already. He told me to stop trying to change to stop trying to love Him to stop trying to please Him cos it had all already been done for me. All I had to do was rest. Let Him love me. Let Him do the work in me. And as I rested in His love things started to happen. I started to change without trying. I saw how much He loves me and I started to love myself. The drugs and alcohol and porn and everything else I hated but did slowly left I had no more desire for those things. I started to love others cos I now loved myself… I had love to give. I started rock climbing and fell in love with it and the outdoors. I started gyming. I started caring about people and feeling for them. I still have my bad days… I’m human but I refuse to stay there. It’s all about choice. U can stay where u are if u choose to or u can get ur sorry as out by changing your attitude. Look by no means am I a saint. I’m no holy Joe trying to convince u that if you don’t turn to Jesus u will suffer here on earth and then die and burn in he’ll. I’m telling you that I’m simple little fucked up me that has been changed by a God who only asked me to be real with Him. U can think what u like about me and my life… I honestly don’t give a damn cos your opinion of me doesn’t count. I’m happy I’m content I love my life and it’s the most amazing thing to sit back and watch how God is bringing it all together. My life was falling apart I’m now watching it fall into place and it’s beautiful. Try it… I dare u. Try be real try be yourself and stop trying to be something you were never meant to be in the first place. Jesus I thank u for freeing me to just be me…. warts and all that’s the way u love me
My heart is sore for all the people battling out there. I come across them everyday. I remember my darkest days when there was no hope no light at the end of the tunnel. I saw life as a curse that was forced on me without my permission. Through all my trials and tribulations… Most self inflicted I had this teeny tiny hope and faith that there is a God in heaven and He is good and He does love me. It was hard to see and even harder to believe but I had nothing else to hang onto. I have hung on and that tiny seed of faith has grown. Yes it’s taken decades. But today I value those hard times. God was with me every step of the way. Most of the time He carried me through them without me realising it. He carried me when I cursed and fought and blamed Him. He never let me go. Life is a blessing not a curse. And it’s very simple it’s us who make it complicated. The simplicity is trust God stop trying to hold on to Jim with everything u have got cos He is already holding you. Stop trying to love Him and please Him and gain favour with Him. He loves you, He is pleased with you, and you already have His favour. All you have to do is rest in Him. As you rest He loves you better. As He loves you better you love Him more. As you love Him more you start to love yourself more. As you start to love yourself more you are able to love others more. And that’s what life is about. It’s about love. God’s love for us. It’s not that we love God its that He loved us first. And His love alone is what changes us and it’s His love that will change the world. Very simple…. stop making it complicated.
It’s been a while since I last wrote anything on my blog. I have been trying to just live and survive this curse that just seems to follow us around and harass us endlessly. But I have found a way out once and for all. After many many years of trying and failing I eventually got to a point in my life where I realised that if trying harder was going to work then it would have worked by now. So… I stopped trying. I told God that trying for me was just not working and He needed to show me another way. Then I read something that changed it all for me. I read an article that told me I needed to learn how to rest…. how to rest in the finished work of Christ. How to rest in the fact that He loved me just as I was. I read that I must stop trying… stop trying to stop using, stop trying to change, stop trying to love God more…. stop trying and just rest and trust Him. I realised no matter how hard I tried I was never going to change if I didn’t trust Him to change me. I couldn’t do it… I had been trying for over 3 decades and nothing had changed. But once I had stopped trying He stepped in and started to change me from the inside. I stopped feeling guilty when I failed. I stopped beating myself up for my failures. I started to see myself as God saw me and I started to believe what He said and thought about me. And then slowly things started to change. I had handed it over, I had stopped trying to do what I clearly could not do. And God started to do what only He can do…. The impossible in my life. Today I am clean. Today I am not only clean but I am happy to be clean. Today I love my life and I love myself and I love my God soo much. You see we make it complicated when we try to do what we are not able to do. God has made it simple. ALL we have to do is rest in His love… believe that He loves us soo passionately and that He wants to change us but He needs us to get out of His way so He can do what ONLY He can do. Today I am clean thanks to Him. I have a whole new lifestyle and passion for life. I go rock climbing and abseiling and God has given me a new passion… A new addiction. An addiction to life and a love for Him that I have never experienced before. So stop trying… start resting and believing and I guarantee your life is going to change and you won’t look back. Take your life back…. rest…. believe…. and you will change
Sometimes we can believe in God our whole lives without REALLY believing. We claim to be Christians but we don’t ever truly live the Christian life. That was me. I served in a christian rehab for 10 years. I “helped” and encouraged many many people and yet when I left and rejoined the “world” I went back to living the worldly way. It started with alcohol and i eventually started living the old life all over again. I may not have gone all the way back to the hell that Christ had delivered me from but I created a new hell for myself.
I love Jesus with all my heart but I was not living for Him and i certainly wasn’t honouring Him with my life and my behaviour. Nothing good comes out of living a life of substance abuse even if u not living it “full” time like I did in the past. Eventually we get to the end of ourselves. There are no more plans to make. There are no more loans to loan. There comes a time where there is absolutely nothing u can do for urself but TRUST God.
I have learnt over the last few weeks that trusting God does not mean u sit and do nothing but trust only and expect God to get us out of the mess we ourselves have created. For me trust is knowing there is nothing I can do about my situation but there is something I can do about my heart. It started with this absolute fear that gripped my heart that we were going to lose everything we had worked for. That we were going to be kicked out onto the street with absolutely nothing. I feared losing my beautiful family. That fear gripped me so hard and so bad I had this permanent knot in my stomach. I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep all I could do was worry and wrestle with this absolute fear. Eventually I did do something. I turned to God. I started reading His word and speaking to Him about my fears. I asked Him to please remove this fear that was crippling me and slowly killing me and to replace it with His peace and His joy. It hasn’t happened overnight but it also hasn’t taken months and years. My situation hasn’t changed but my heart has. As I’ve seeked to put God first in my life that peace that passes all understanding has taken root in my heart. That absolute terrifying fear has left… oh it tries to sneak back in and the devil tries to discourage me by telling me I’m fooling myself as God hasn’t changed my situation yet. But I’ve grown closer to God I’ve learnt that His word is true and powerful and I’ve learnt to put my full trust in Him. I don’t know when the situation we are in will change but I do know that my God loves me. That He will never leave me or forsake me. I know that He will provide ALL my needs according to His riches in glory. And in the meantime I’m enjoying the peace that passes all understanding. I’m enjoying my relationship with my God with my husband and with my family. I’m enjoying not drinking and acting like an idiot. I’m enjoying not feeling the need to try sort this problem out on my own. There is a freedom in trusting God completely. We don’t have to solve our problems even if we have created those problems for ourselves. All we have to do is seek first the kingdom of God and He says He will add all the things we need and want. Praise Him and love Him in every situation u may find urself.
I have been walking this substance abuse journey for a long time now. I’ve gone way beyond being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired… to the point of thinking that maybe I do it just cos I want to??? But if I look in my heart I know it’s not what I want in my life… It hasn’t been for oh so long a time. I managed to stay clean for 10 years so what’s wrong with me now? Granted I’m greatly improved from say 20 years ago but it still has this small hold that I’m battling to shake. My saving grace is that I’ve seen God working in me over the years… He has never needed my help… He has never waited till my behaviour was right… All He has wanted is a heart that wants to even tho I’m stuck with a will that does its own thing. I know the end of this story and… I WIN with all the help from above. Thank u Jesus
How do u start ur day saying today no drinking and u follow it thru till u on ur way home and u pass the bottle store… and in a split second ur mind goes from…. not drinking… not a good idea… to…. Hmmmm just one is not so bad!!! I don’t understand me… BUT I do know God and i know what He has got me out of and I know He has my back. The good work HE started He is able and willing to complete. ..